These days everyone is talking about self love, and its become a sort of spiritual fad. But there is something missing from the conversation of bath bombs and “treat yourself”. Self love is about building a relationship with yourself. And like any relationship, getting to know yourself is the first step. Spending time being with you and finding enjoyment in that time. Taking yourself out to dinner, or to the beach, or on a walk in nature. Sitting with yourself and seeing all the good and the bad and the ugly bits, and getting comfortable with them. Turning around and giving them kindness and compassion and understanding how you got to be that way. Self love is about being able to depend on yourself for the care you need. This is about taking care of your body, your mind and your heart. Learning the things that make you feel good and doing them, all the time. It’s not about bubble baths. It’s about getting enough sleep, enough water, enough nutritious food. It’s about getting enough time to decompress after a long day, and making the time for the things that make you smile. It’s about learning to enjoy doing them even without anyone’s company but yours, and having a splendid time. Its about recognizing and seeing you, without any judgements or attempts to change or fix what you see.
Self love is also about taking care of yourself in a deeper, and maybe more challenging way. It’s about putting less pressure on yourself to achieve or accomplish. It’s about giving yourself space to slow down when you need it. It’s about setting personal boundaries, and not giving all of yourself away to other people or situations. It’s about setting your limits about who and what you let into your temple, and how you let them in. It’s about saying no when something doesn’t feel right and not feeling guilty about it. It’s about recognizing when a relationship or situation has become toxic, energy sucking, or just isn’t serving you, and cutting it out of your life. It’s also about forgiving yourself for letting it in in the first place, for choosing wrong, or for not being the best to yourself. It’s about being kind and gentle to yourself, accepting all the good and the bad. It’s about all of this and so much more. And it’s not always fun and pretty. Like any relationship, it takes work.
My own journey with self love began when I visited an incredible mindfulness community in Northern Thailand, called New Life Foundation. Many deeply significant realizations and teachings came from this experience for me, but perhaps the most significant one was that I had a lot of work to do in the realm of self love. This was the theme of my second week in the community, and a topic that kept coming back to me through my conversations with fellow community members. It was abundantly clear that my self love was lacking, and that healing this was the root to addressing the other apparent issues I was experiencing in my life at the time.
It has now been 6 months since I began travelling solo. After spending most of my formative years in romantic relationships, somewhere along the way I had lost connection with the most important relationship I will ever have, the one with me. I don’t know when exactly it started, but I became someone who felt unsure of what to do with myself when left alone. I felt sort of empty without social plans to look forward to on weekends, and even felt like I deserved to have people around to keep me occupied. I guess this was linked to a running away from a deeper truth, which was that I didn’t love myself very much, or even know myself very well. Spending time with ME just didn’t seem to cut it.
It’s almost laughable for me to look back on this mindset, as I sit here alone on this empty beach, feeling relieved, relaxed, and joyful for the first time in a few days. I am so SO happy for this afternoon alone, after just a little too long without the space to just BE with me. Over the last 6 months, although I’ve encountered to many incredible souls (I love you ALL), and have experienced friendships, love, mentors, guides, teachers and students, and even travel companions, something has changed. In the freedom of going at it alone, I have had the incredible space to choose these relationships and social interactions, in between the time I’ve spent with me. And through all that space, and all that time, I have found a special kind of freedom. The freedom to be me in all my glory. The opportunity to create any experience I choose. The wonder and pure joy of simply being, and allowing myself to be just as I am. The belonging to myself so deeply, that a feeling of home is always inside me; a more powerful home than can ever be experienced from a place or another person.
There are a few wonderful side effects for such a feeling. The first is that being alone always feels like coming home. Spending time with all the beautiful souls I’ve met on the road is wonderful, but I always have me to come home to. I never feel lonely because I am not searching for anything or anyone to make me feel full. Being alone does not feel like a state of lack. Coming from this place of fullness has allowed me to give love to others so much more freely and abundantly, as I am not expecting, hoping, or wishing that it will be returned. I am no longer giving love in order to receive. I have also gained such a deeper knowing of myself, and how I can operate as my best self, with no one else’s plans or desires to consider. I have learned what I need to have a great day every day, and how to give it to myself. I’ve also learned that I don’t need to compromise. I’ve learned that love is not about forcing another person’s plans and dreams to match mine, but honouring and respecting the differences and sending love and joy for us each following our own unique path. I’ve learned not to be afraid that relationships might not work out, or might change, because I’ll always be ok with me.
Along the way, through all the blissful moments of solitude, something wonderful happened. I fell in love with me. And in the glow of that love, I know that the one thing I will always need is the one thing I can always count on: the time and space to enjoy life with myself. The freedom from all the outside world, and the pleasure of a coffee, a day at the beach, a dinner date, or just a beautiful view with my favourite person to spend time with.
garden state of mind 